How to install heart
Customer Service (CS) Rep.
: Yes, Ma'am, how can I help you today?
Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install
LOVE. Can you guide me through the process?
CS Rep. : Yes, I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?
Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready to
install now. What do I do first?
CS Rep. : The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located
your HEART ma'am?
Customer: Yes I have, but there are several other programs running
right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?
CS Rep. : What programs are running ma'am?
Customer: Let's see, I have PAST-HURT.EXE, LOW-ESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE,
and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.
CS Rep. : No problem. LOVE will gradually erase PAST-HURT.EXE from
your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory,
but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite
LOW-ESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGH-ESTEEM.EXE. However,
you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those
programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how
CS Rep. : My pleasure. Go to
your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as
necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically.
Is that normal?
CS Rep. : Yes. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall
for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?
CS Rep. : Yes, but remember that you have only the base program.
You need to begin connecting to other HEART's in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops. I have an error message already. What should I
CS Rep. : What does the message say?
Customer: It says 'ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS.'
What does that mean?
CS Rep. : Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means
that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not
yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming
things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to 'LOVE' your own
machine before it can 'LOVE' others.
Customer: So what should I
CS Rep. : Can you pull down the directory called 'SELF-ACCEPTANCE'?
Customer: Yes, I have it.
CS Rep. : Excellent. You're getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.
CS Rep. : You're welcome. Click on the following files and then
copy them to the 'MYHEART' directory: FORGIVE-SELF.DOC, REALIZE-WORTH.TXT,
and ACKNOWLEDGE-LIMITATIONS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting
files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete
VERBOSE-SELF-CRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle
bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with new files. SMILE.MPG
is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that PEACE.EXE, and
CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART. Is this normal?
CS Rep. : Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but eventually
everything gets downloaded at the proper time. So, LOVE is installed
and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing
before I go.
CS Rep. : LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various
modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people
and they will return some similarly cool modules back to you.
Customer: I will. Thanks for your help. By the way, what's your
CS Rep. : You can call me the Divine Cardiologist, also known as
The Great Physician, but most call me God. Most people feel all they
need is an annual check-up to stay heart-healthy, but the manufacturer
(Me) suggests a schedule of daily maintenance for maximum efficiency.
Put another way, keep in touch.........
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and
give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live
for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by
the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I
will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and
I'll give back the other ten."
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people,
do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't
think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have
sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll
take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back
and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have
sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun
to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain
our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house
and bark at everybody.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm
still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me
how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how
it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew
how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was
never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I
miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"